There Comes a Peace in Knowing

Doug "Doc" Kempf - KIA Vietnam '69

Through my other blog, Memoirs From Nam, I have now met several people who knew and served with my husband, Doug, ("Doc"), a combat medic in Vietnam.

I will be forever grateful to these men for the courage it took to reach out, because I have come to understand just how difficult it is for them to talk about brothers they lost in country.

From a widow’s perspective, their reaching out creates a precious Bridge -- a Bridge of Healing. To hear from someone who knew and served with their loved one, someone who may have been the last to see him alive, does help answer some of the agonizing questions they have held inside for decades.

Several years ago, I received a letter from Lt. James McCraney, who was Doug’s friend in Vietnam. On the day Doug was KIA, the Lt. had also been part of the same mission.

With his permission, I posted that letter here on the blog, where it touched the hearts of those who read it. (Memoir of Douglas S. Kempf, 8-2-10)

Later, I spoke with Lt. McCraney by phone. It was emotional, but it was good for both of us to talk about Doug, and I respect Lt. McCraney for the courage it took to contact me. There were some things he couldn't share, but it was an important beginning. He said some day, maybe he would be able to tell me more.

Time passed and we stayed in contact through occasional emails. Then I received another letter that touched me deeply. It was as difficult for me to read as I know it was for him to write.

I extend my most profound and sincere thanks to you, Lt. James McCraney.

"Cathy, 

I am ready to tell you as much as I can remember about my short time with Doug. As I have mentioned to you before, I was a brand new 2nd Lt., not two months out of Officer Training. I was flown out to a remote firebase on the edge of a small, rice-growing, and very poor village. This firebase was so small that I can't even remember the name of it. 

As I made my way from the landing zone, (which was in the middle of a road), I saw a couple of guys walking toward me. One was the guy that I was to be replacing, and the other was Doc Kempf. Both had big smiles -- one was about to go home, the other just seemed genuinely glad to meet me. 

I went in and met the officers in charge of the artillery unit at this base. Doug hung around and after a while showed me my "hooch". It was mostly sandbags on top of a metal culvert and an air mattress. His was next door. I don't think that Doc ever met a stranger. Everyone knew and loved Doc. He was our friend and our Mama. He treated us for everything, listened to us, and he always seemed to know what to do. We hung out a lot whenever we both had some "free" time. 

I was asking him about being in country and where all he had been He stated that the infantry had been south in the area called Pineapple -- this is the Mekong Delta. All were glad to get out of there, since it is wet and muddy most of the time. It was the rainy season when I hit Nam and it would rain until November or December. 

Doug and I would sit in our hooches and fight the rain, play cards, but mostly we would talk. Since I was single, I didn't have family to talk about like he did. He always talked about you and about how he missed you, since you had only been married for such a short time. He showed me pictures, too, however, the only one that I can remember clearly now was a photo of his niece. He was so proud of all of you. 

Doug and I didn't know when the next mission in the boonies would be. Bear in mind, this would be my first mission. He tried to prepare me as best he could, telling me what to take and all. Also trying to let me know what to expect even though you can't explain it. Remember, he was my Mama at this time. Even though I was an officer, I never looked at Doug as an enlisted man. We were just friends, that's all. 

One day he asked me to go into the village with him to "doctor" some of the kids. They were dirty and had skin rashes on them. Doug would treat them and give them what "goodies" that we had. I was always fearful that someone would kill us down there, but he didn't seem to worry. He had a great big heart especially for the kids. I told him that he would make a great doctor someday. 

The time came for my first mission. We were going out for about three days recon. Doug didn't seem to think that this would be much. He was right. They were uneventful, long days of scorching heat -- when it wasn't raining. Since I was an artillery officer, I walked in the formation in the middle with the Captain, his radio, and Doug, We were always together, or close. 

Upon coming in from this mission, Doug worked on us as best he could. He called me a big baby since he cut a boil out of my back. I told him that he could at least give me a stick to bite on. He just laughed. 

Doc treated scratches, sore feet, or whatever else ailed us. We would laugh and talk and dream of home and loved ones during this downtime. Doug always liked to hear me talk, since I was from the deep South. I told him that he talked funny to me and he would even try to talk like me -- I couldn't get the Yankee out of him. 

The next mission was in September. There was still a lot of rain and humidity. This mission was to be for two weeks. That is no fun. Again, Doug told me how to pack. For the life of me, I don't know how he always seemed to be in such a good mood. We had been out for one day and nothing happened. 

The second day, around 11:00 am, we were ambushed. The forward units were hit the hardest. Doug and I were in the middle of the unit and "fairly" safe at that point. They radioed back to the Captain that we had hurt and dead. This had gone on for about 30 minutes. 

Doug was listening to the Captain's transmissions. He started to go and someone pulled him back. He would look at me and me at him. He knew what he had to do. Momentarily, someone hollered "Medic". He didn't balk this time. Grabbing all of his gear, he raced up to the front. 

We thought they were gone. That was not the case. They had left a couple of guys behind just to wreak havoc on us. As Doug got close, one of them opened up on him and Doug never knew what hit him. I hate to be so graphic, but that is how it was. He did not suffer. 

After everything was really over, it was time to gather everything up. We called in medivac choppers and had to cut down trees in order for them to hover and receive the hurt and dead. 

As I got to the front and saw the ponchos on the ground, I asked who they were. Someone turned to me and pointed and said, "That's Doc Kempf". I can't describe to you -- and I mean that -- how I felt. All I could think of was, no, no, no! I uncovered him to make sure. He looked peaceful, if that is possible. 

As the chopper hovered and the grass was blowing from the rotors, I helped strap Doug into a "chair-like" device to pull him up into the chopper. The last visual I have of him is seeing him going up and going round and round with his arms outstretched. I can't get that out of my head -- and I don't really want to. 

That was the end of a too short, but fulfilling, friendship. I have shed many tears over Doug throughout these years. His death has touched me like very few have. I know that all of you feel so much more for him than I could ever feel, but I was fortunate to have been exposed to him. 

I never knew anything more after we came back in from this mission. We had a medic replacement, but no one could take Doug's place. He was discussed many times after that. 

Respectfully,
James"

 “A writer soon learns that easy to read is hard to write.” ~CJ Heck

The Burning Letter

Table in the Foyer

The Burning Letter

Wading through morning's harvest 

of the mail reaped the usual 

bills, flyers and junk ads. 

Then I spotted 

the familiar lazy scrawl 

on the table before me. 

After all these years ... 

a pearl among the cow pies. 

I marveled at how the letter felt, 

tucked into the pocket 

of my blue jeans, 

first halved, then quartered, 

where misbehaving hands and mind 

won't breach ceremonial rules, 

not to touch 

or want to open it. 

I was unable to ignore the letter 

or throw it away. 

I'm not sure how long 

I walked around with it there. 

I only know 

it began to burn and blister 

and it scorched my self-control. 

It was not until I saw the jeans 

in the washer, letter and all, 

twisting and turning 

in the soapy water 

that I was even aware 

of what I'd done

just to find some peace. 

(From the Book, Anatomy of a Poet)

Read a Preview

Buy at Amazon

Buy an Autographed Book


“A writer soon learns that easy to read is hard to write.” ~CJ Heck

Blast into the Past

One Saturday morning, Robert had to leave for work early at 6:00.  Not yet ready to head to the computer, I poured myself a second cup of coffee and I don't know why, but I turned on the TV.  Understand, this is something I rarely (if ever) do during the day, preferring instead to listen to music while I write, edit, or blog.

Anyway, between sips, I flipped through the meager network programming at that time of the morning.  I was searching for something, anything, to fill a few minutes, but all I could find were stupid ads for makeup, jewelry, vacuum cleaners, or gym equipment.

"The Rifleman"

Then, suddenly, I found myself in some kind of crazy time warp -- I had somehow moved through time and and I was a child again.  There in front of me was Chuck Connors as The Rifleman.   

The Cast from "Gunsmoke"

When The Rifleman was over, I went to Dodge City, Kansas, with Matt Dillon, Doc, Festus and Kitty in Gunsmoke.

The Cartrights from "Bonanza"

After that, I spent some quality time at The Ponderosa in Bonanza with Hoss, Little Joe, and Adam -- oh, and don't forget Pa.

I lost several hours that Saturday morning -- but they were good, quality hours.  It was just like old times and yet I was seeing these people and places through different eyes, through a whole different perspective.

As a child, all of these people were larger than life.  They were real.  For as long as the show was on, I was right there with them, listening and learning.

Watching them as an adult, I can now see the importance of what I was learning.  These shows all reinforced the values and lessons my parents taught -- rights and wrongs I passed to my three daughters, and I still value them to this day.

How sad to think there aren't too many quality role models on TV for today's children that reinforce parents' values and lessons.

The video games I've seen advertised are all so violent and bloody.  I wonder what they are teaching our children and grandchildren ...


“A writer soon learns that easy to read is hard to write.” ~CJ Heck

Mothers and Daughters

A Forgotten Treasure

When I was looking through my bookcase one morning, weeding out the books I want to keep from those I will donate, or give away, I found a forgotten treasure.

It has special written all over it and it's something I will keep forever.
This tiny book was a gift from my youngest daughter, Heather, when she was eighteen.

Just before graduation, she announced that she wanted to move to Texas to live with her older sister, Carrie, for the summer.

Carrie was going to be working part time as a waitress and part time on an indian reservation for summer break from The University of Notre Dame. She assured Heather that she could also work at the restaurant with her.

For weeks, we discussed (and argued) about the move. Texas was a long, long way from our home in New Hampshire and I wasn't convinced she was ready to move away.

Then I received this book from Heather and it came with a letter. When I found the book this morning, the letter was still tucked inside. Like memories do, at times, the letter made me cry. Now I want to share it with you:

"Mom, 

Sometimes, I think you and I are one and the same. I see so much of you in me. I think that's what makes our relationship so complicated. 

It's not that I think you're trying to run my life. I know it's only that you want what's best for me -- so we stick our noses out. I've said my fair share in how I think you should run your life, but in the end, you decide your own destiny. 

So, understand that I'm not leaving you. I'm only leaving New Hampshire ... and I will survive out in Texas, because you've taught me I can do anything I set my mind to. I aspire to be the best at whatever I do and that was also something you taught me -- confidence. If I fall on my ass out there, it was never meant to be. But I have to find out for myself (like usual, I will learn something). 

I just need you by my side on this one, no matter what the outcome may be, okay? I need to know you're behind me, or else I may doubt myself and that's not the right thing for a move like this one. I am putting myself first for once. If I stay here any longer, it would be for you, and Will, and Dad. All three of you don't want me to go. 

Now, should anything happen to me, you know what I would want (just in case ... it's a long trip!) I would love visitors for the summer time. You'll get a great tan down south, that's for sure! 

I'm going to miss having you only a hug away. You've always been there for me for anything -- but I promise you, our friendship will never fade. It's too strong to ever do that. 

I'm only 18, and that means I still have about a million more mistakes to make before my life is over! Just think how many more times you can say, "I told you so." 

Please, please give me your encouragement. That's all I really need right now. 

Love, Beanie"

Needless to say, Heather did make the move to Texas, and now that summer is far behind us. It was an important milestone for her and she learned a lot, both of us did. What I learned is that I wasn't ready for her to move away yet ...

"Beanie" now has a fourth child, their third son. She has created her own company, is a wonderful and caring mother, a loving wife, a devoted daughter, and I'm proud of the happy independent woman she has become.

I've learned more from my three daughters than they ever learned from me ...

Amazon: The Love Between Mothers and Daughters


“A writer soon learns that easy to read is hard to write.” ~CJ Heck

Sometimes You Wonder ...

Yesterday, I got an email from my best friend, Margie.

They have the most adorable dog and his name is Noodle.  He's one of those new hybrid dogs, a goldendoodle, which is a cross between a golden retriever and a poodle.

This photo isn't Noodle, but it's darn close to how he looks. Noodle's ears are longer and I think he's much cuter, too.

Needless to say, Noodle is a very large dog, but he has the sweetest, most gentle disposition of any dog I've ever known.  You can't help but love him.

Anyway, Margie's email was priceless and I just had to share it. Oh, and the names have NOT been changed to protect the innocent ... mostly, because I've known her for fifty-something years, and she's not ... (giggling)

"Good Morning, Cath', 

First, you have to realize that when Bill goes to sleep, he only gets up for a couple of things: 

1.  To go to the bathroom.2.  If the alarm goes off. 3.  Awww, and of course, if Noodle needs him, he is right there. 

Understand, I could be dancing nude at the end of the bed and he would sleep through it. (Probably a good thing, 'cause it's not a pretty sight). 

The night before last, I woke up at 2:00 and had to go to the bathroom. In the dark, I climbed over Noodle, who was sleeping on the floor, and I headed out of the room. 

When I came back in the bedroom and was once again stepping over Noodle, he decided to stand up. 

Needless to say, I went flying, arms flailing, and I crashed into the the dresser at the end of our bed. (Actually it's an armoire, but no matter how I try and spell it, I can't get it right). 

So anyway, my loving husband sleepily says, "Marg, is that you?" 

I wish I would have thought quick enough to say, "No, it's the fourteen frigging elephants that get up in the middle of the night!" 

Bill, still in bed, says, "Is Noodle okay?" 

I managed to say, "Yep -- he is fine.  He went to the kitchen and is having his midnight snack." 

Mind you, I'm still on the floor in the dark and Bill is still in bed. 

Finally he says, "Are you alright?" 

"Not sure,"  I replied. 

"Do you need me to get up?" 

 
Swallowing all my pride, I said, "Okay, I think so." 

Nothing was broken, only a few cuts and bruises ... he is sleeping well again. 

At times I think, hummmm, maybe I should yell, "FIRE!!" and then run like hell with Noodle. 

Oh that's right, Bill got one of those frigging screens for the garage and I would have to crash through that ... 

I hope this gives you a laugh, but remember, this is a true story! 

Love you,
Marg"

[A very special thanks to Margie and Bill Shelly and, of course, Noodle.  I love you all!]


"A writer soon learns that easy to read is hard to write." ~CJ Heck

Big Little Book of Whispers

Big Little Book of Whispers

by Robert S. Cosmar

Introduction:

As we grow older, we start to question our old belief system. Maybe secretly, we even begin to wonder, "Is this all there is?"

Society, our parents, even our schools and churches, have always told us how and what to think and believe.

We sense there is more -- maybe we even 'know' there is more, but we aren't sure how to find what the 'more' actually is.

I would like to recommend a book that will help you to find your own answers. Are you ready to ‘know’ who you truly are?   ~C.J. Heck

About the Book:

The heart speaks in the language of feelings; words are the tools used to convey those feelings to others.

This book is for the aware and the newly aware, and for anyone who is ready to open their heart and look into the self.

The Big Little Book of Whispers is a 520-page collection of short insights (whispers) which speak to the heart and reveal the true nature of your inner life.

Each insight (whisper) is a view into that inner life and designed to assist the mind by creating a bridge between intellect and intuition.

For the mentally-oriented, this book may seem odd, childish, or even silly, but for those who wonder and yearn for more awareness of the true self, it will be a gateway to the eternity that exists within.

Read a Preview:

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/337796?chapter=1

Buy at Amazon

Reviews:

This book will help everybody wherever you are in life.

“Really, really enjoyed this heartfelt book, It’s the best I have ever read in this area of wisdom. Full of awareness shared so beautifully, and skilfully.” –Haqiqa

Seeds of Wisdom

“Simple, clear messages from the soul, with lots of room for your own wisdoms to form around the seeds offered on each page. This is the kind of book you could use for daily pondering of life and how it applies to your own situation in the moment.” –Sue Rumack (Author of “The Pulse of Awakening, How to Connect with Soul and Life Purpose”)

A Book to Enlighten

“This is a book I will cherish for a long time to come. It is not a novel to race through, but to savor the words, and comprehend and obtain the full meaning and truth, from the passage. There are over 2,000 whispers in "Big Book of Whispers", and I am unable to list all my favorite passages...they all have meaning and purpose and are unique in themselves.” –Coccotoro

“When one is ready to look into his/her self, that's when the universe conspires to let us know, by all means, about what we need to know.  And during such a mission, I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to read this book.

There is no particular way to read this book. You can turn through the pages from the beginning, or open any page, and you are assured that it will be something worth ruminating upon in the mind.”

--Divya Nambiar

“I just love this book!  It's a must read. The short insights by author are timeless, true and can be applied in day to day life to make it better.  The one who may not like to read it in a spiritual sense can read it in philosophical, or practical, sense and help oneself. There are no words to describe how joyous I am feeling after reading it.  Thumbs up!” --Disha

"There are some who will say my review of Robert's book isn't as valuable as a review by someone else. After all, I am Robert's life partner. I also edited the book, so surely I must be biased. They are entitled to their opinion, however, they would be wrong.

There are well over 2,000 whispers in "Big Little Book of Whispers". When I took on the task of editing this 520-page book, my mind tried to convince me it could be a daunting, tedious experience. It was not.

As I began to read, more often than not I found myself lost within each page, the editing forgotten, my mind and heart working together as I felt each word, each whisper, come alive with meaning.

It took me four readings to finish the editing. Each time I began, I found new truths that touched me, like a seed sprouting and growing, page by page.

If you are aware, or awakening, this is a book you will cherish. I would give it ten stars ..." --CJ Heck, published poet, writer, blogger and author of five books.

Other Books by Robert S. Cosmar:

Trilogy of Awareness: Heart to Heart Is Where We Start
Read a Preview

The Magic of Love and Intimacy
Read a Preview

Awareness: Being Fully Alive
Read a Preview

Robert S. Cosmar

Where You Can Find Robert:

Knowing Whispers Blog
Goodreads
Facebook Fan Page 

LinkedIn

AboutMe

Google Plus

Twitter

Amazon Author Central

E-mail Robert

[Besides being the author of four books in the spiritual awareness genre, Robert S. Cosmar is an astrologer, blogger, and (sometimes) poet.  He also manages several groups on Facebook, LinkedIn and Goodreads, and a blog, Knowing Whispers ... and he is my life partner]


"A writer soon learns that easy to read is hard to write." ~CJ Heck

Kids and Body Noises

Oh that's FUNNY!

Ever notice that certain noisy body functions are a source of hilarity to a child? They're all perfectly normal noises that everyone makes once in awhile, and if you're brave enough to admit it, you probably think they're funny, too!

To children, these noises are pure joy. They try and copy the sounds as often as possible. It doesn't seem to matter what age a child is either. I've seen teenagers roll on the floor laughing.

Heck, by the time my children (and now my grandchildren) were two, they already thought most of them were funny.

I remember my brother, Tim, used to amaze me with his burps. He's the only person I've ever known who could burp and it sounded just like the word, 'burp'. Maybe it was something he practiced, I don't know. Can you practice a burp? Why would anyone, other than a child, even want to practice a burp?

Two Times FUNNY!

Tummy rumbles and yawns are two of the lesser funnies, but they still make kids laugh. A tummy rumble sounds like the word 'rumble', IF you say it with a deep base voice and draw the word out a little.

Yawns, on the other hand, only sound like the word a tiny bit. More than anything else, they look like what a yawn is -- a gaping hole.

Another funny noise is a sneeze. It's also a funny sounding word, but I've never heard anyone who sneezed like the word sneeze sounds. Mostly what you hear is 'ah-choo' or 'ker-choo', or variations of it.
My daughters tell me when I sneeze, it sounds like I'm saying, "Who asked you!" Not as a question, mind you, but as an all-out shout. Again, never, ever have I heard the word 'sneeze' come flying out of someone's mouth as they're doing it. I think whoever made up that word missed the boat.

Group Giggles are Fun

The word 'hiccup' isn't too bad, actually, because when you have the hiccups, they do sound pretty much like the word, 'hiccup'. Whoever named that body noise came pretty close.

My other brother, Chip, used to try and hold them in. That's not something I would recommend, because it always had an adverse reaction. It became fiercely pressurized, somehow crossed an invisible boundary and burst out as a loud (and painful) 'hic-burp' (although that name doesn't really do it justice).
By now, you're probably wondering where all this is leading. Well, it brings me to the more socially sensitive of the body noises -- and also the source of the most belly laughs.

They have many names. Some are delicate, such as 'poofy-puffs' or 'episodes'. Boys are fond of calling them 'farts'. In our house, we just called them ...

Barking" Spiders

The barking spiders all march in
just past dinnertime.
Some big, some small, they come to call
floating on the wind behind.

Each is clearly noticed,
although they can't be seen.
You're positive they're there, though,
'cause your nose is very keen.

You know you can't outrun 'em,
and a net won't get 'em caught.
Your friends laugh 'cause they're funny,
but your mom yells 'cause they're not!

So open all the windows!
Crack the vents real fast!
'Cause these aren't normal spiders.
Barking spiders are just gas.


[From the book, "Barking Spiders and Other Such Stuff", by CJ Heck]

"Writers soon learn that easy to read is hard to write." ~CJ Heck

How To Make a Memory ...

Golf Cart with sides down

As I've mentioned before, Robert and I are new to Florida and we're very new to the weather here during the hurricane season.

We're also die-hard adventurers. We love exploring our town, The Villages, catching an alligator sleeping on the bank of one of the lakes, taking back roads, or short cuts just to see where they go, or going for an iced coffee in town at Dunkin' Donuts in our little navy blue two-seater golf cart.

That being said, it's noteworthy to mention that we both also love rain and thunderstorms. We can usually be found on our front porch, during a storm, watching Mother Nature at work.

Yesterday, however, we had more than an ordinary adventure ...

The Storm

During the afternoon, our weather radio announced that we were under a severe thunderstorm watch until 5:45 p.m.

The clouds already looked ominous (promising). They were huge and black and they billowed thickly overhead in all directions as Robert pulled into the garage after work at 4:00.

We were both excited and watching the sky, as we exchanged our usual greetings and small talk about how our respective day had been.

Then Robert asked whether we had any errands to run, (meaning in the golf cart). He looked so disappointed when I told him I'd already picked up the mail and had just finished putting the groceries away.

Suddenly there was a huge flash of lightning. "One one-thousand, two one-thous ..." we began ... and then it thundered. We both looked at each other wearing smiles. 

He asked, "Do you want to get an iced coffee at Dunkin'?"

I asked, "Now? During the storm?"

He smiled and nodded.

The rain began just as we finished putting the sides down on our little golf cart, snapped and velcroed them in place, and then zipped ourselves cozily inside. 

We backed out of the garage, pushed the down button on the garage door opener, and took off on our newest adventure:  to test our golf cart for the first time, during a storm.

Parked in front of Dunkin' Donuts

It was all so exciting and we were like wide-eyed children again, giggling, and marveling at our biggest adventure yet. We felt safe, secure, and ready for whatever Mother Nature had in store for us.

We headed out at a fast clip down Rio Grande Boulevard toward town in the rain.

When we got to Dunkin' Donuts, the rain had tapered off a little. We found a parking spot right in front and Robert ran inside for our iced coffees.

By the time he got back in the golf cart, zipped down the side again, and we put our iced coffees in the holders on the dash, the sky had turned as black as night.

Suddenly, lightning flashed, but there was no time for counting.  The thunder came at the same time.  The storm was right on top of us. 

We backed out of our parking space and headed out into the wildest weather these two seniors had ever seen.

We soon learned that there are all sorts of little openings in a golf cart, I suppose, to give you a nice breeze if you have the sides zipped down. In a storm like the one above us, those little openings work against you. 

The rain was an impenetrable wall and so heavy that we were soaked all the way through in a matter of minutes.

The golf cart lane on Rio Grande had become a raging river as the water rushed to the storm drains. As we drove through the water, the spray shot high into the air on both sides of the golf cart, (as well as through all of the tiny openings to soak us), as we slowly navigated our way home again.

It was incredible, scary, and exhilarating all at the same time -- and it was something we will never forget. A golf cart may not keep you dry, but we sure made one heck of a memory ...

Teaching Old Dogs: The First DUH

The Ultimate DUH