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| Pocket Tazer Stun Gun |
The Ad Said: “A Pocket Tazer Stun Gun is a great gift for
your wife. It will give her peace of
mind.”
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for
their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend, I saw something at Larry's Pistol &
Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I
was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long
term, adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to safety.
I thought to myself, WAY TOO COOL! I have to get this for Julie.
To make a long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home. As per the instructions, I loaded two AAA batteries in the
darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME! Unfortunately,
I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie,
looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
moving target.
I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with
my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and Taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while, I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long and less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries). It
was pretty cute really, and I’m thinking to myself, 'no possible way.'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll
do my best. I was sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side, as if to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' and me reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst, just for
heck of it. So, I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! WHAT THE... !
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in a fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard
before and clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously
in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living
room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
with a Taser, one note of caution: There
is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst
would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as
time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape.
*My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace.
*The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from
where it originally was.
*My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching.
*My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. ·
*I had no control over the drooling.
*Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb
to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
*I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe
came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience. She loved the gift and now regularly threatens
me with it. If you think education is
difficult, try being stupid …
“A writer soon learns that easy to read is hard to write.” ~CJ Heck
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