Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Humor: Hair Wax ...

Hmmm ... I wonder
I have no idea who wrote this, but it's priceless ...

Hair Wax ...

My night began as any other normal week night...

I came home, fixed dinner, played with the kids ... I then had the brilliant thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 

I thought, "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."

So I headed to the site of my demise -- the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax.  The directions said to rub the strips together in your hand until they got warm and then peel them apart, press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you just pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.

How hard could it be? I mean, I was no genius, but I was mechanically inclined enough to figure it out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pulled one of the thin strips out of the box -- there were actually two strips facing each other and they were stuck together. Instead of just rubbing them together, my genius kicked in ... I decided I knew what would work faster, so I got out the hair dryer and heated it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax, yeah...right.

I laid the strip across my thigh, held the skin around it tight, and pulled. Hey, it works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't THAT bad. I could do this! Hair removal no longer eluded ME!

I thought, "I am She-Rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire!"

So, with my next wax strip, I confidently moved north. After checking on the kids, I sneaked back to the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I dropped my panties and placed one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I applied the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covered the right half of my hoo-ha, and stretched it down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).  I inhaled deeply and braced myself...RRRRIIIIPPPP!

Oh My Gawd ...
I thought, "I'm blind!  I'm totally blind from the pain!....OH MY GAWD!"

My vision slowly returned and I noticed that I had only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! I took another deep breath and RIP! Now everything was spinning and my vision was spotted.

I thought I would pass out.....I had to stay conscious...I HAD to stay conscious. Did I hear crashing drums?  Breathe, breathe...OK, it was (almost) back to normal.

I wanted to see my trophy -- a wax covered strip, the one that had caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I wanted to revel in the glory that was my triumph over body hair.

I held up the strip, but there was no hair on it. Matter of fact, there was nothing on the strip at all.

Where was the hair? WHERE THE HELL WAS THE WAX?

Slowly, I eased my head downward for a peek, with my foot still perched on the toilet. I saw the hair. The hair that was supposed to be on the strip was not! I hesitantly touched. What I was touching WAS wax!

I ran my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which was now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I made the next BIG mistake... remember, my foot was still propped on the toilet, right? Well, I knew I needed to do SOMEthing. So I put my foot down.

No! No! NOOO!  Oh My GAWD!  I was sealed shut!  My butt was sealed shut. Oh Sweet Lord, my friggin' butt was sealed shut!

I penguin-walked around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and I thought to myself, 'Please, God, don't let me get the urge to poop... my head may pop off!' 
What could I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!  Yesss!  Hot water melts wax! I thought, "I will run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, and immerse the wax-covered parts. The wax should melt and then I can gently wipe it off ... right?"


I got in the tub.  The water was slightly hotter than what they used to torture prisoners of war, or sterilize surgical equipment -- but frantic, I sat down.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together AND glued to the bottom of a bathtub in scalding hot water, which, by the way, does NOT melt cold wax.

Oh Noooo, now what?
So, (picture this) I was stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!

God bless the man who convinced me a few months ago to have a phone installed in the bathroom!

I called my friend, thinking surely she had waxed before and had some secret of how to get me undone. It was a very good conversation starter.

" Sally, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub. Tell me what to do to undo it."

There was a slight pause on the other end of the phone. She didn't know any secret tricks for wax removal, but she did try to hide her laughter from me. She wanted to know EXACTLY where the wax was located. 

"Are we talking cheeks, or hoo-ha?"

I gave her the rundown. She was laughing out loud -- I could hear her. She suggested between guffaws that I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH, Right!  So I would be the joke of someone else's night, too?

While we went through various solutions, I resorted to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Listen to me, nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the bottom of the bathtub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!

By that time my brain was not working, dignity had taken a major hike, and I was pretty sure I was going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling because of it.

My friend was still talking when I finally saw my saving grace....there in the box was a tiny tube of lotion they gave you to remove excess wax. What did I have to lose at that point?

I rubbed some on and OH MY GOD!  The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It was sooo painful, but I really didn't care. IT WORKED!  It worked!  I got a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hung up.

I successfully removed the remainder of the wax and then noticed to my grief and despair... THE HAIR WAS STILL THERE -- ALL OF IT.  So, I recklessly shaved it off.

Hell, I was numb by that time. Nothing hurt. I could have amputated my own leg at that point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

[Author Unknown]

“A writer soon learns that easy to read is hard to write.” ~CJ Heck


Anonymous said...

Not being a waxer, this was some of the funniest situations I have ever read..... Laughing with tears in my eyes!!!!! Out Loud!!!!! Thanks for sharing.... Lee

CJ Heck said...

The same with me, Lee, I laughed until I had tears running down my face and I thought I would fall out of my chair! It's hysterical!

I wish I knew who wrote it because I would ask (beg) her to write more things for the blog.

Thank you for reading and commenting!

Michelle Abbott said...

I laughed so hard I almost sprayed my keyboard with coffee!